Bringing up sex toys with a partner may feel intimidating, even if you’re curious and excited to test them out. Many people hesitate because they worry about finding the right words to explain their desires to a partner. Reframing sex toys as tools for intimacy is a great starting point; sex toys aren’t a replacement for a partner, but rather are ways to expand pleasure, shake up routine, and create new experiences together. 

If you’re not sure what kind of toy experience you’re looking for, try seeking inspiration by scrolling through an online sex toy retailer together. Don’t focus on finding the perfect toy to add to your cart; comment instead on what sticks out to you, what you have questions about, and what you may see yourself enjoying. 

Once you have a toy or tool in mind, try these tips for approaching the topic with ease: 

Frame it as Erotic Curiosity

Instead of presenting toys as a solution to a problem, bring them up as something you’re wondering about: “I read about toys that stimulate both people at once, and am curious what that would feel like. What do you think?” 

If you’re already comfortable discussing your desires together, try framing toys as an experience you’ve been fantasizing about. A bold approach could include a personal example, such as, “Sometimes when I’m alone, I use a toy, but lately I’ve been wondering what it would feel like to use it while you’re inside me.” Inviting your partner into your inner world may make them feel less vulnerable and reframe toys as an experience to enjoy together. 

Share What You’ve Learned 

Sometimes the easiest way to break the ice is by referencing something external, like an article, podcast, or workshop. For example: “I saw a guide to sex toys for couples and I learned a few new tips I’d love to share with you. Can we check it out together?”

Take it a step further and play show-and-tell. If your partner knows you use toys solo, ask them if they’d like to see all the ways you’ve learned to make yourself feel good. You can place their hand on top of yours as you use the toy together. Incorporating what you already know about your partner will take it to another level, too. Do they like to watch you get off? Do they enjoy some playful dirty talk? Tie in some of their desires to ensure that the sex toy is an extension of your existing sex life, regardless of which toy or tool is being added in.

Start Outside of the Bedroom 

Conversations about trying something new don’t always go smoothly if sprung on someone in the heat of the moment. Instead, invite the conversation during a relaxed, low-stakes time together. Your partner may feel more open to the idea without the pressure of performing in bed.

If you’re having discussions outside of the bedroom but don’t see follow-through, try recalling the conversation during intimate moments in a flirty way. You might even incorporate it into your dirty talk. Try a phrase like, “I’m already so turned on thinking about (what we talked about earlier),” before your clothes come off to build anticipation. 

Suggest a Playful Adventure

Present toys as part of a fun experiment, following what feels good instead of having an end-goal in mind, like an orgasm or “better” sex. You might suggest a new date activity: “What if we tried something new together during the date, and then if you’re still down, we can try out something new when we get home, too.” A cooking class, a pottery workshop,

Pick out a new toy to use on an upcoming weekend getaway and schedule some downtime to explore. If blocking out time feels too intimidating, pick a slow afternoon or evening to focus on quality time with the intention of intimacy. Vacations are a great time to explore new things, so try packing a new toy on your weekend getaway and adding some bedroom exploration to your itinerary.

Emphasize Shared Exploration

If your partner is worried about not measuring up, make it clear that you want to share this experience with them. Phrases like “We’ve explored so much already, but there’s still more we could try” convey that you’re looking forward to a future of great sex together. Building trust and intimacy doesn’t happen overnight, so remind them of your shared journey to this point in your relationship.

Using toys together means both partners participate, regardless of what kind of toy you’re using. Shared exploration may include holding a vibrator on a partner during penetration, enjoying a couple’s toy at the same time, or witnessing a partner’s pleasure as they use it on themselves. One partner may even talk the other through the process; don’t be afraid to be vocal. This could be a visual cue: “Seeing you so turned on is so hot to me,” or giving them some direction, like turning up the setting on the vibrator and letting them know how well they’re taking it. 

Provide Specific Options

Sometimes it helps to take a temperature check before you open up. Try: “Is there something you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t?” or “Are there toys you’d never be interested in?” This invites your partner to share their perspective rather than just reacting to your own interests.

Sometimes asking open-ended questions leaves people drawing a blank, so offering a few options makes it easier. Do they want something rumbly or non-vibrating? Do they prefer a suction toy or a massager? Picking a device that offers multiple settings, like the Aura, can also help ease the pressure. Since the device provides three distinct sensations, there are endless combinations to explore.

If one partner is unsure of what to do once a toy leaves the nightstand drawer, giving them a clear role helps to keep them engaged. Are they holding it for you, watching you use it, or providing an extra sensation? For example, when holding the Aura against your body for external sensation, a partner could insert their fingers for internal stimulation to enhance the experience. Some people may prefer using a toy on themselves while wrapped up in their partner's arms, while others enjoy the journey of allowing a partner to use the toy on them, controlling the settings and position while they lie back and enjoy, hands-free. 

Put Them at Ease

If your partner is hesitant, emphasize that toys aren’t a replacement for anything you already enjoy; they’re just another option. You might say: “I love what we do already, adding a toy could give us another layer of fun.” 

Laughter is often the best icebreaker. Making a lighthearted comment like, “Imagine if we had a toy with a remote control, we’d never leave the house again,” can lower defenses and make the topic less intimidating.

Making it clear that you don’t need to dive into the deep end right away will also help them feel more comfortable.  If introducing a larger toy is too big of a step, suggest starting with a less intimidating option, such as a small external bullet or a vibrating ring. Find the language that feels the most natural for your relationship style. If the phrase “sex toy” feels too new, try words like “accessory,” “device,” or “tool” to describe your desires instead.

Looking Forward

Start with one of these approaches, see how your partner responds, and let the conversation evolve. Regardless of how you introduce the topic, approach the conversation with curiosity, playfulness, and patience. Every couple has their own rhythm, so find the pace that works for you.

Don’t sweat it if it doesn’t go exactly as planned the first time; it may take a few tries to get used to using a new toy or tool in bed. Experiment slowly, communicate throughout, and celebrate the discoveries you make together. You may find that conversations about adding a toy are just as fulfilling as the exploration that follows. 

Product mentioned: Aura by Mila 

Birna Gustafsson, MSc is a sex educator and public health advocate based in NYC. Her work focuses on evidence-based intimacy guides and sexual liberation. She shares practical advice for pleasure seekers in her writing, workshops, and online platform. Link: birna.net